I never believed I'd end up alone. I mean, dating is hard and totally sucks, but I figured I'd get married eventually. Even so, I'm aware that I'm a weird person.
I always thought I'd have to give up an amount of my weirdness when I found someone I wanted to be with forever. And I was okay with that! After all, who could possibly keep up with me? Who could enter the deep, incoherent recesses of my messed-up brain and come out to say something like, "Yeah, the way you personify inanimate objects and then laugh uncontrollably at them for no reason makes me think I want you to be the mother of my children."
If such a person did exist, I'd probably question their ability to function as a member of society. I figured I best keep my weirdness partially under wraps so as to appear attractive to those responsible men I deemed should fall in love with me.
Surprisingly, my strategy of hiding a part of myself for the purpose of establishing a connection with another human being failed.
These repeated failures sent me on a self-esteem adventure! (I got depressed.)
The last few posts on this blog are from this era, and I don't want to get into it, so, yeah.
The important part is that I found what I needed to do and emerged from the cocoon of blankets I wrapped myself in during Netflix-and-ice-cream binges ready to be happy and single for as long as necessary.
My mind was in a significantly healthier state, but I still didn't think I'd find a guy as weird as me. I wasn't sure I wanted a guy as weird as ME.
"Challenge accepted," said the universe.
This is Ethan. (He actually has a beard, and it's super hot, but I don't put forth that much effort in these drawings.)
Weirdness isn't his only quality. After my terrible co-dependent relationship ended, I realized what I needed in a partner to have an actual healthy relationship. And Ethan is all of that for me. I didn't know how perfectly awesome he was when we first met. It wasn't like this happened:
But not instantly! Really! Our first date was meh. I was particularly NOT excited when he asked me out.
In The Fault in Our Stars, John Green writes that Hazel Grace fell in love the way you fall asleep, slowly, and then all at once.
I don't fall in love like that. I fall in love the way you get a cold.
And then you're in denial about it. Haha, as if you have a choice.
Then you panic because you feel it coming on. You know you're not sick yet, but you also know there's nothing you can do about it.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment I realized I loved him. There was just a period of time where I knew I was on my way there. I knew it was happening, I just didn't know how fast I was headed toward it.