Monday, February 4, 2013

Anxiety! Or How I Became a Zen Machine.

I have an anxiety disorder.  Here's what that really means.

It starts with a small heart attack.  Anticipation of something involving public speaking, forgetting something important too late, things like this start it.  Sometimes nothing at all is going wrong and I just cry.  We'll go with your basic, "I forgot we had a test today and I spent all last night on the internet."

Then my mind goes blank.

Then my brain and I disagree.

Then I try to console my brain like a paramedic.

And then I realize that my brain won't listen to me.

Then there's almost tears and I can't talk.  This is my biggest issue.  The anxiety located in my throat says that the only sound I'm going to make is gasping/crying.

Then I muddle through whatever is wrong (which usually turns out fine), trying really hard to not make noise and then I leave as quickly as I can.  After that, my body feels so relieved it cries way hard. Sometimes I run to a public bathroom just for this purpose.

Then I'm usually tired.  So I take a nap.

I want you, people of the internet, to know that this is not normal.  I went to a doctor, and I do things like yoga and aromatherapy that help immensely.  If this sounds like you, then go see a doctor.  Get some essential oils, get a yoga mat, get some tea (mmm, tea), and be actively involved in your treatment.  I manage without anti-anxiety meds, but that's not true for everybody.

Then I went to college where no one knew this happened a lot in elementary to high school!

And now I'm a zen machine.