Thursday, April 11, 2013

Anxiety and a well-oiled zen machine.

Yeah, I did this post before, but I'm doing it again because I think I can make it better.

I have an anxiety disorder.  Here's what that means:

At any given time, for little or no reason, I can have a mental breakdown.  If there is a reason, I will have a mental breakdown.  I feel nervous with a sense of oncoming doom and a small heart attack.

And my brain forgets how to think and it's just static up there.

My brain freaks out even if I know I can handle the situation.

And then all control is lost as I try to be invisible while making gasping noises.
Because if people notice I'm crying, that makes it even worse.

And at this point, people assume they are allowed to bother you.

Which is nice of them, I guess.  They don't know what else to do.  Not to say I don't like hugs, but no one ever seems to ask.  That's why at this point, I'm usually in a bathroom.

Also, at this point, the actual stressful situation is over.  For some reason, this causes even more crying.  I guess my brain is relieved because it thought it was going to die.

Allie, this is really sad.  I came here for humor!

Ohmagoodness, you're right!  Here's a picture of me when I listen to jazz!

Thelonious Monk, Count Basie, Wycliffe Gordon, Coltrane... they all look a lot cooler than I do in this picture... I don't know what Big Bad Voodoo Daddy looks like... :D

Anywho (is not a word, but neither is fanspectaculiousness, and I still use it), after that I generally take a nap.

And this, citizens of the internet, is not normal.  I've come a long way.  This used to happen every time something went wrong or I was nervous.  Now, it only happens once or twice a semester.  I do things like yoga, aromatherapy, and tea!  If this sounds like you, go see a doctor and try everything!  I manage without medication, but that's not true for everybody.

And now I'm a zen machine!
...most of the time ;)